ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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