My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
