How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
