I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
