atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Be still, my beating vagina.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Your penis caused this!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
