Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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