Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
