Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
