Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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