If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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