I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
