you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
