I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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