if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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