True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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