she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
