i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
