I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
