So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
