I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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