I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize