so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
