so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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