She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
