My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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