dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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