after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
