she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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