The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Send help, water and tortillas.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
