My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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