i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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