Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
