I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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