Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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