Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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