How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
