You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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