don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
