Soap is not a condiment
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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