Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
