I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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