how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
