she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
