My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
