My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
