Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
