Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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