My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
