Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
