Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
organizing the empties. That sober.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
