i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
