I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
