remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
