Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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