i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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