Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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