I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
