Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
