i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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