Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
