U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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