my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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