The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
