how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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