I need help removing her.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
