If you die in college, do you die in real life?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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